Racism From Old White People Is Hard To Listen To, But You Gotta Force Yourself To Pay Attention

Give and you shall receive. I can see that. I mean, it just happened a moment ago. Right in front of my eyes. Nothing big or glamorous, but satisfying nonetheless.

I was gorging myself with tortilla chips while watching latenight TV when I got down to my last chips. It was time to stop getting fatter and put the chips away, so I took a moment to decide how to eat the last three I had in my hand. One down, easy. Two down, one left! Three d- ... Does Riley want one?

Riley is my dog. We call him dumb and fat, but really he's quite superior to most dogs (and some humans, I may add). He can play hide and seek (almost, anyway. He can sniff you out when you're hiding, but he really only hides his face. He thinks that as long as he can't see you, you can't see him. But that's close enough). He understands a lot of words and phrases, although he pretends he doesn't. Riley knows basic words like "sit", "stay", "good boy", etc. But he also knows "get the hell out", "what are you looking at?", and "dial 911!" We really only call him stupid because we kinda think he's a human. He's just the dumbest human that I've ever met. But that's not a fair way to put it. Riley is a very good dog. But that's not point.

Riley most pronounced talent is his ability to beg. And when that third chip was almost in my mouth he turned on the heat. I felt it! My cheek was burning. I turned to see his big, well, puppy dog eyes boring straight into me. I knew what he wanted. But I was busy gaining unnecessary weight. Did I have the time, the energy, the willpower to hand my last tortilla chip to this sub-human?

It turns out I did. I flipped the chip up high and held my breath. Riley did not disappoint. He caught it, he caught it good. He just snatched it out of the air and snapped down with a satisfying CRUNCH. That's what did it for me. The crunch. That was the sound of our comaraderie, of our friendship. If I could sum up our entire relationship as interspecies friends in just one sound. That crunch would have to be it. We were an inseparable team, and the crunch proved it. I wish I could have sounds to describe all my relationships with everything. With my friends (it would probably be a belch), with my family (an angry yell), or even with strangers (a sniff? an "umm"?) I could go on forever describing our moment, because it really was an astonishing moment for me, but I won't.

But I never would have heard this crunch, if I didn't take a second to think about another person, or dog, I guess. I know it sounds like such a small thing and I really should not be boasting about my temporary bout with selflessness (the past two sentences alone have 5 "I's" and a "my"), but this event just clicked in my brain (two "my's"). I learned a lesson: Give. Give whatever you have. Even if you have nothing but a half-stale tortilla chip, give. Give and you shall receive. I received a confirmation of brotherhood with my dog in exchange for a 15 calorie snack.

MORAL of the story: Give and you shall receive.

SUBMORAL of the story: Don't mess with my dog. Riley will outsmart you and then he will fuck you up, son!




Does anybody else think Conan O'Brian looks kinda chinky?


YOUR MOVE, MORGAN!